I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
