we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
