i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize