I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
