This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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