I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
