Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
