On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
