Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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