Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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