just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
im about as happy as oj after his trial
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
