my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
