you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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