guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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