I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
