I seem to have left my pride at pride
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Someone signed my nipple.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
