So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
