I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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