I intend to get homeless drunk
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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