I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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