the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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