If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
