I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
There r osticjed everywhere
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
