she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize
