the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
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Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
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$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
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