Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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