I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
