I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
