i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I need moral support for this bender
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
