What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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