new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
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besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
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You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex