i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.