you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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