Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
