Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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