great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Randomize
