Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
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