So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
