last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
