i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
