i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
