our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
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I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
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As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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