i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
My dad just said "fuck circus"
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Randomize
