Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
