Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
