New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
