The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
