Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
