I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
