Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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