**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
