So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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