You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Randomize
