my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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